Metal Gear: Fast Food
by Thunder Magus
Summary: Something's funny in the fast food industry. It's up to Snake to find out what. This is intended to be a humorous fic not to be taken seriously. Rated T for violence and swearing.


Metal Gear Solid: Fast Food

(Solid Snake walks into McDonald's. It is 10 O'clock in the morning)

McDonald's Employee: Hi welcome to McDonald's. What can get for you?

Snake: Yea, I would like a sausage breakfast sandwich on an English McMuffin and some orange juice to go.

McDonald's Employee: I'm sorry sir. Breakfast is over at 9:00.

Snake: What? What are you talking about? Since when?

McDonald's Employee: Two days ago.

Snake: (Bangs his fist on the counter.) Damn!

McDonald's Employee: Please, sir, profanity is not tolerated.

Snake: Whatever. Just get me a double-cheese burger.

McDonald's Employee: Will that be all?

Snake: (Growing irritated.) Yes.

McDonald's Employee: That'll be $1.07

Snake pays for his food and takes his cheeseburger, then walks out of the restaurant. Just as he unwraps his food on his walk home, his Codec beeps.

Snake: This is Snake.

Voice: It's been a long time, Snake. Are you eating fast food?

Snake: Colonel? What the hell? Are you spying on me?

Campbell: Yes.

Snake: Why?

Campbell: Come on, Snake. You are a valuable asset to our country. You can do things no other man can.

Snake: (Sits down on a park bench.) So? What's your point?

Campbell: Snake, a serious situation has come up. Only you can get us out of it.

Snake: I've heard that before. Find someone else, Colonel, I'm finished with all this undercover shit.

Campbell: You've still got spirit, Snake. You can do this. Just hear out the situation.

Snake: I'm listening… (Opens his mouth to take a bite of his burger.)

Campbell: Snake, don't eat that burger!

Snake: Hungry, Colonel? Get your own. What I do is none of your business anymore.

Campbell: Snake, that burger has some kind of mind control device in it! Don't eat it!

Snake: Mind control device? What are you babbling about?

Campbell: Snake, are you aware of the rapid changes that have been taking place in the fast food industry?

Snake: Yea… Mickey Dee's breakfast got over at 9 today. I haven't seen too many commercials for fast food either.

Campbell: Snake, the fast food industry has been purchased and taken over by some kind of criminal organization. The fast food chains are slowly coming together. They're putting mind control substances in their food.

Snake: Ridiculous. Nobody can buy ALL of the fast food chains.

Campbell: Apparently these guys can. Our surveillance can't even get close so we have no idea what they're up to.

Snake: Hmmm…

Campbell: No one has been able to identify their leader. That's why we need you to infiltrate their headquarters and find out what's going on.

Snake: Okay, I'll do it, but I'm not doing it for you or this country. I'm doing it so I can get my fast food back.

Campbell: Your mission objectives are as follows: First, you are to rescue a hostage.

Snake: Who is it?

Campbell: Jared the Subway Guy.

Snake: What the hell?

Campbell: They're holding Jared as hostage because he refused to take part in the fast food revolution. He tried to find out what was going on himself, but got captured. He knows everything there is to know about this new organization.

Snake: Okay. What else?

Campbell: You are to defeat the Four Mascots. First is Wendy. No longer the sweet farm girl, she has turned into a martial-arts master and a deadly female assassin. Runza Rex, an purple dinosaur with animalistic instincts. The King, he rules with an iron fist and is a well-known football fanatic. And last is Ronald McDonald, a killer clown with a thirst for human blood.

Snake: Restaurant mascots turning terrorist?

Campbell: I'm afraid so. Your final objective is to confront and unveil their leader by any means and shut down their operation, once again dividing the fast food chains. I'll stay in touch via Codec if you need advice. If I need to contact you, your Codec will beep. When you hear that noise, press the Select button.

Snake: I know all this, Colonel.

Campbell: I'm just making sure you haven't forgotten your edge. And besides, you know that fast food isn't good for you, anyway.

Snake: Okay. I'm ready to go. Just let me finish my burger.

Campbell: Snake…

Snake: Oh yeah, I forgot. (Throws the burger in the garbage and walks back to his apartment to suit up for his next mission.)

METAL GEAR: FAST FOOD

Tactical Espionage Action


End file.
